*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
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[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Breaking news:
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.