You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
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*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.