[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
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I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
lol
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?