I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
You Might Also Like
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”