your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
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Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.