Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
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Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.