Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
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“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
If you know, you know
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman