You Might Also Like
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I identify as an antique shop.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist