“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
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wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)