#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
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Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel