Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
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My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
The booster protects against what, now?
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
my favorite genre of twitter
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No