Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
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“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Great Canadian literature.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you