Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
You Might Also Like
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Word.
~ Microsoft.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Twitter is the new flypaper.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.