The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
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Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
My inexpensive home security system…
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.