Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
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Breaking news:
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Yoga Matt
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
New tinder profile pic
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…