Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
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Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.