I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
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“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.