they should invent a type of situation that improves.
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I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off