[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
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Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
channeling her this year
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Ironic