Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
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God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Guantanamo Bae
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.