-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
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Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.