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I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Has there ever been a more American story?
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶