I will cook for you
-me, threatening
You Might Also Like
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁