Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.