Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
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Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up