My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
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Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.