Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
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Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.