FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
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*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
lmao
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..