How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
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It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions