For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
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Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.