I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
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When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Beware…..
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.