*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
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My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
worst…sale…ever
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people