Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
You Might Also Like
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her