[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
You Might Also Like
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.