*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
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*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I thought this was funny lol
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit