Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
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My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone