Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
You Might Also Like
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.