Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
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But that’s none of my business
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor