COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
You Might Also Like
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
There is no “ea” in Tim.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Florida man
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me