“HELP WITH CAT”
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Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
me when the borders lift
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here