Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
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jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
lmao
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.