Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
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Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
men, we mow at sunrise.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.