Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
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I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
she has a point
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.