Message from the dog groomers
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School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.