You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
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The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Important reminders
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.