I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
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“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Muppet Screams
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.