Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
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I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough