When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
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I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Sounds like a bargain
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Perfect
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair