[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
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Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas