I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
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okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.